i can’t sleep - i hate myself for what i’ve done and i need to explain.
first off i am sorry i didn’t say much before - i was in a bit of shock because i didn’t expect you to see that and i had wanted to tell you to your face. i had never wanted you to read that pathetic half finished story.
this post isn’t going to be me excusing myself for what i did. i know there isn’t an excuse for hurting you so. all i’m hoping is that you will understand how regretful and sorry i am. and i’m hoping that in due time you will forgive me and trust me again. i will do anything to prove this to you.
here is the thing. i have been confused for a very long time. i realised the reason i’m always so paranoid and annoyed is because i get myself caught in these big lies i create and i hate that. i’ve been questioning myself for a very long time ~ when i met you and started being with you i started questioning myself more. i wasn’t and have never been as strong as you - always impacted by other people’s opinions. it was hard for me to come to terms with being in love with another girl. it’s a big life decision and one that i subliminally wasn’t sure of. but now i am sure.
the night i was with whits i was extremely drunk. that isn’t an excuse, i know that. you want to know why and i think the reason why is because i was stupid enough to think maybe, just maybe i wanted selfish drunk impulsive 2-second desires more than i wanted you. i realised about 2 seconds after it finished that the only thing i wanted in life was you. i’m ashamed and i hate myself because that is what it took to realise that i really couldn’t live life without you. so i did the most selfish thing and i tried my hardest to keep it from you.
i thought it would go away… the guilt… i thought i could repress it because i barely remembered that anyway. i was a fucking idiot to do that and i am so so sorry. i hate seeing you upset and i knew i’d already wrecked things but i just… i was cowardly and pathetic. i have always thought you were too good for me. too kind, too loving, too amazing for me. you were everything that i wanted and i was desperate to keep you.
but the thing is. i only want to be with you. being with you was the happiest time of my life. you are the only person who has ever accepted all of me. every fear, weird quirk, stupid suggestion… everything.
i love and have loved you for the longest time and that isn’t about to change. you can feel free to treat me however you want. i know i don’t deserve anything from you when i was so stupid to betrayed your trust and love. i know i’ve hurt you. if you decide that this isn’t worth it any more i understand and respect every decision you decide to make.
i love you so much. you are my rock, my everything, my girl. my sweetheart. and i am so very sorry for what i have done.
love pippa <3